When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
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Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Stranger: I’m calling from inside the house.
Me: *screams* Wait, do I have a landline?
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)