The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
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Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
My current situation