If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
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If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
peak technology
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
#Caturday