hmm conte-me mais
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Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.