Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
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*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day.
Give him fish again the second day and he will complain about having to eat the same food everyday.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
So if you want to be sure your internet history is deleted, just whisper ‘please delete my internet history’ into any hole on the computer
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work