three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
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Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
(Musicians.)
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Match dot com, but for socks.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
The French cow says MEUX…
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
What scares me most about being stranded on a desert island is having to figure out how to make all the ingredients for nachos from scratch.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have