Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
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In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
ME: [holding my breath]
MY BREATH: This is nice.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
Me: When I asked you to get into the Christmas spirit, I didn’t mean for you to become Scrooge!
Teen: rolls eyes
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”