Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
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[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
Who did it better?
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.