Barista: Latte for Waldo
Barista: Do we have a Waldo here
Barista: Where’s Waldo
Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that
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screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
her: the car isnt working. you need to do something about it
me: sure *to car* GET A JOB YOU LAZY CAR
her: i meant a mechanic
me: i really dont care what job
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
There are shameless and immoral herring having sex in our ponds and lakes right now and I’d like to know what our elected officials are going to do about it
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.