* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
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Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I used to watch the Olympics on TV as a child and dream of growing up and also watching the Olympics on TV but on a better TV.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
friend: my dad said he was “going for cigarettes” and never came back
me: oh wow me too
[meanwhile]
Our dads: *raggedy beards* let’s try aisle 7
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.