Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
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The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
I’m trying to be more fit these days, so now I walk inside the store to buy my donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.
I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he’ll never have any friends.
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*