My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
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ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
I’ll never understand why my children think pooping is a social activity.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
my tamagotchi skills didn’t translate into parenting skills as seamlessly as i had hoped
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex