Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
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Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
oh you like architecture? name three walls
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too