I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
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I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
My patronus is a cheeseburger
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”