How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
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whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
The best part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work
The worst part of being a bomb technician is that you can never have a bad day at work.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism
‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to