I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
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People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Say what you want about online meetings but there are few things more liberating than attending a disciplinary hearing naked from the waist down.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.