So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
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Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
Meow?
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
10yo: I’m confused. The paper says “20s theme.” But this is the 20s. So we dress like we do everyday?
Me:
Me:
Me: That’s exactly what it means.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??