I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
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Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a tired person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir