They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
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Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
I always wonder if dogs secretly hate playing fetch. If they’re like “these idiot humans keep losing their sticks & it’s up to me to go find them”
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Know your customer. Think like an idiot.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore