“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
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Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
How long does it take for an avocado to brown after you cut it nevermind.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat