That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
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Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
I hate when my dog watches me pick up his shit, I feel like his bitch.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.