This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
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My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
living with your parents
pros: it’s free
cons: everything else
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.