always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
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*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
Me: How dare you accuse me of being drunk last night !?
Wife: You were laughing all night at the TV – that wasn’t even turned on!
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
The three genders
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
[in bed]
Husband: *gentle nudge* Hey…
Me: *removes ear plugs*
*removes sleeping mask*
*removes snoring strip*
*removes mouth guard*
Hey…
Husband: *sleeping*
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.