(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
You Might Also Like
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.