People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
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Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
I’m just marveling at how the hand towel in my son’s bathroom can be so dirty and yet his doorknob is so wet
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby