Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
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[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I’m candy bars lol
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
How to keep the seat next to you empty.
Waitress: And what can I get for you, hon?
Jesus: I’ll have…….. (snickering) a water
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
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STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me