When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
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Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Save time on divorce paperwork, and just hand the judge your phone.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
just gave my 5yo power of attorney