Sharon, call the vet
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Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Me: How do I let someone know that I like them?
Her: Always start with eye contact
Me: *Pokes her in the eyes Three Stooges style*
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
Natural selection at its finest
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Dove: Dad, what’s my name mean?
Me: It’s the symbol for love
Swallow: What about mine?
Me: Umm, true love.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.