Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
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The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
thinking about eating a lot of candy. which i have obtained legaly, through the trick or treat system, for many years
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless
Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?