Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
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4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
I believe in you.
I also believe in bigfoot so don’t get too excited
*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
20 years ago my Dad went out to buy a pack of Camels
…and now he’s the most successful camel breeder in Europe.
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Did I mention I’m a vegan?
Interviewer: Your resume is printed on quinoa
Me: I’m a vegan
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.