An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
You Might Also Like
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real