My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
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Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
hackers play passwordle
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.