It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
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Boss: You took another 2 hr lunch. Were you drinking?
Me: No
B: Tell me our company policy
M: Lol, I can’t even do that when I’m sober
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Me: I’ll do anything to get healthy this year.
Doctor: Are you willing to cut down on sugar, bread, and alcohol?
Me: Let’s revisit this again next year.
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
me: you look thinner
friend: yeah my job at the deli keeps me active. guess what I weigh
me: meat
friend: what
me: what
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.