The tooth fairy was drunk again last night and dropped her phone on 8’s head
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My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
Therapist: Problem?
Me: I always quote Eminem lyrics.
T: Explain?
M: I can’t tell you what it really is,I can only tell u what it feels like
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
I’m pretty like a car crash.
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Jesus pulling Matthew mark luke and John to the Side and being like you guys are the big dogs
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
become ungovernable
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
#parenting
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
The news in a nutshell.
By 5, the human child can walk and feed itself, but doesn’t yet stray from home, as it relies on parents for tablet charging and maintenance
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.