I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
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*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Back in my day teenagers didn’t vape or use social media. They befriended talking animals and solved crimes for the police.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
Ignorance is bliss, and rampant.
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”