If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
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I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
5,”So we don’t get to open any presents today?”
Me, “No.”
5, “So basically Thanksgiving is just Christmas for your tummy, right?”
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?