All squirrels fly when you own a T-shirt cannon.
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I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
I used to think Ol’ Yeller was a book about my stepdad.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind
Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’
Me : Be there in 10 min
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.