My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
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Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Reasons my wife gets mad at me:
1. Something something something
1. Some other stuff
1. I don’t pay attention when she talks
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
You’d think a baby would make the perfect paperweight, but this one keeps rolling off my desk.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.