#parenting
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“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
Well, that should do it
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Walking up the lighthouse stairs can be a very towerful experience.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.