this is why you should always wash behind your ears
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CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
I can’t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
I’m starting a frequently terrible drycleaner called autopleat
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
Worth remembering.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Do your friends know that you’re asking people on Twitter about their issues?
-Asking for a friend.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Word!