I love you to the refrigerator and back
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Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
You excited to watch the Super Bowl?
“Ya, but only cuz the commercials.”
[sounds of man being beaten to death with bowl of chips and dip]
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
I got tired of arguing with my kids about screen time and also tired of telling them to plug in their devices, so I‘ve stopped charging them myself and now I don’t have to argue with the kids because their devices are all out of battery
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
Wolverine’s mom: If you’re going out take your brother with you
Wolverine: But Mom he’s so weird
Listerine: Nothing weird about fresh breath
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
This year I’m the Invisible Man for Halloween, according to this bartender that apparently hasn’t seen me standing here for an hour
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.