Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
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Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Finally
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.