I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
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It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP