Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
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If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
[10 PM]
If I go to bed now, I’ll get a full 8 hours of sleep[3AM]
Siri what is a grape nut
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Knock Knock
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Girls get so turned on when you take charge. Grab her hair and tell her she needs a shampoo with no harsh sulfates and a new lip stain.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.