“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
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Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
I hugged someone else’s mom at a park once and now mine won’t pick me up bc I smell like other mom now
Joggers that run early in the morning aren’t doing it for the exercise, they are just looking for dead bodies. “5am, welp time for my daily sweep for murder victims,” they say.
My therapist says I need to overcome “shame-based” thinking but if it wasn’t for shame I don’t think I’d get a damn thing done around here.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
I get told that I’m salty, and my mirror tells me I’m mostly fat, so I guess love me since I’m basically bacon.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
[driving test]
INSTRUCTOR: Any initial concerns?
ME: Volcanoes
I: About the test?
M: No
I: Ok then let’s go
M: *drives into active volcano*
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
him: my dad left when I was younger, around 7
me: before rush hour, smart move
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right