December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
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Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Kids: Stay in school.