*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠