Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
You Might Also Like
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
waffles are just pancakes that ran into the screen porch door at full speed.
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
I’ve said some things, and if I could take them back I would, but if it’s not too late, I’d like my sub toasted
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?