A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
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Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
asked my bf how work was today
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes