Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
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Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
Our wifi is down and I had to fap using only my imagination like some kind of savage 🙁
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
Day 3 in quarantine. My mom made me check my 11 year old brother’s search history. He has searched “how tall is goofy” and “why do Mormons have so many trampolines.” For his sake, I almost wish I found something bad
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro